P.687
Death
“There is a great variety of interesting things not to say. There is practically no limit to what imaginative and ill-meaning people will think of to increase the suffering and impair the dignity of the bereaved.”
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“Dear MISS MANNERS:
My father-in-law died recently. He was a lovable, happy man and his death was indeed a loss to all his family and friends.
However, I felt very left out during the period when he was ill and during the funeral arrangements. My husband and I, at this point, were married sixteen years. But he and his sisters became again a united family, with their spouses and their children almost excluded. Even at the funeral mass, we sat behind them with the children, and they all went together in the limousines to the cemetery. I know of no tradition warranting this behavior. Maybe I’m being petty, but I loved him and wanted to be included in their decisions.
GENTLE READER:
Yes, you are being petty. Grief often inspires other odd emotions, and pettiness –the jealous assertion of one’s own claims as a mourner – is one of the commonest.
Another such auxiliary emotion is the one your husband and his sisters have, of trying to recreate the original family unit during this tragedy. You were not a part of it, no matter how much you loved your father-in-law. Even in the happiest of in-law relationships, the pretense that a parent-child bond acquired through marriage is the same as the blood bond is obviously phony. Miss Manners has never met anyone yet who didn’t feel awkward about addressing in-laws by the same paternal title as parents.
Of course it would have been flattering if your husband had turned to you at this time, rather than his sisters. But he didn’t. Do you think this is the time to hold a loyalty competition?”
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It's been a long tiring week. I still need to buy textbooks for three of my classes and I'm two weeks into the semester, so it's needless to say that I have catching up to do. I'm just feeling drained emotionally and physically. I have a lot of homework all due next Tuesday and Wednesday, so we are gonna order the rest of my books and have me play catch-up all weekend. I also started catching up on laundry. We haven't been home enough to wash even one load in the last two weeks. We've spent a lot of time in Garland or otherwise with my in-laws. Not to mention that I babysat two kids at my house this week and watching a total of 4 children did not leave me energy for housework. The good news is that I spent just about 2 weeks with my inlaws around daily and we all got along great. The only time Hope stepped on my toes was when she was making some mashed potatoes at my house and I asked her to use the fat-free butter. She went ahead and used the real (full-fat) butter and then added cheese AND sour cream. I was just pleased that I didn't have to cook, so I simply went easy on the potatoes at dinner. I teased Hope about it. Scott really really liked the Grass-Fed steak. Jimmy is really proud about that since it's coming both from his father (who he seeks approval of) and a Food Scientist (who should know good food when he eats it).
2 comments:
Liss: Jimmy does have his father's approval. It is called Unconditional Love. You also have our approval, and very much loved. As I said before - you are now my daughter, and not an in-law. When you married Jimmy, you became part of the family.
Love,
Hope
P.S. I am sorry about the sour cream, cheese and butter in the potatoes - I was not thinking. I should have known better, especially when we almost lost you. The next time we are in town, I promise to fix you a healthy meal.
Much Love
Hope
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